Wild Goose Chase
by DivineJudgment
Summary: "But what if this map led us to some secret treasure, hm? Then we'd be just like the pirates!" "Flora, have you noticed how there aren't any pirates left? You know why that is? Because they're all dead!" Secret Santa Gift for Ash RB


**Author's Note: **Oh my goodness. I am so sorry that I fail so miserably at humor -.- I apologize in advance. I tried to take your idea of using Flora, Calvin, Rock and Nami, and even threw in some Rock/Nami romantic humor in there for you. It's just me and humor, we just...don't work out too well, you know? So I hope you enjoy the story anyways! It'll be...interesting, to say the least

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_[ Secret Santa 2011 ]_

-…-

"Flora, I'm pretty sure we're lost."

Flora pouted, crossing her arms tight across her chest and jutting out a single hip. It had been a childhood habit she had never quite grown out of. Sighing, she massaged her temples and poked her head down each tunnel of the cave's intersection. "Darnit! And I was so sure this was the right way we're supposed to be going, too!"

Her faithful companions examined the "treasure map" Flora had received from a seedy-looking merchant that arrived at the village only a handful of days before. As her long-time friend, Nami had warned Flora about the dangers of buying something from a traveling merchant. She should know- she had ripped so many people off along her travels that she knew every trick of the trade. From botanists looking for a cure for their wife's mysterious illness to primitive huntsmen wearing leopard print (a fact which never failed to make her shudder), no one was saved from the wrath of a greedy merchant.

Despite her friend's protests, Flora chose to delight in her ignorance and purchase the artifact from the grizzly man who was more than delighted to drain the girl of her life savings. Flora's justification for blowing all her money on a map that would probably yield nothing? "But what if it _did_ lead us to some secret treasure, hm? Then we'd be just like the pirates!"

Her smile was so dazzling and innocent that it was difficult for Nami to argue at the time. "Flora, have you noticed how there aren't any pirates left? You know why that is?" Flora thought for a moment before shaking her head, eyebrow furrowed with concentration. "Because they're all _dead!"_

Flora pouted for a moment, letting out a pathetic cry of "But, Namiiiiii~" as if the redhead was her mother, before reverting to her usual blissful state. Then, her eyes grew dreamy and faraway as they gazed up at the calm blue sky. "Or maybe," she whispered so softly it was almost inaudible, "maybe it'll lead me to my Prince Charming."

Nami sighed. Her friend was so oblivious to the real world that it was almost pathetic. Almost, but not quite. If she could honestly admit (which she never would, at least not out loud), she found her friend's antics to be quite amusing and slightly adorable. "As much as I love you, Flora," to which Flora nearly interjected before Nami silenced her with a stern finger to the lips, "which you know is quite a lot, if I do say so, might I remind you that there are no Prince Charmings. And _certainly_, no Prince Charmings are in some dinghy cave digging up imaginary treasure chests."

It was this very statement that ended both girls and Rock (who had tagged along simply to "put the moves" on Nami) up in the town's dark, damp and dim mine looking for a treasure that only the redhead believed to be completely ridiculous. Such a bold statement of seeming fact ignited the blonde's inner stubbornness and she was determined to prove her friend wrong.

"Eh, does it matter, guys? As long as we're together, we'll be alright!" Rock proclaimed with childlike faith. After this sickening display of innocence, his grin grew impish. "Besides, Nami can always keep me warm, can't you, my dear?" He snaked a hand round her waist, much to her dismay, and pulled her tight against his chest. Such an action was appropriately met with a slap to the face. "Rock, you're an idiot. _No_."

Pulling away from the pervert, Nami attempted to once again examine the map to find a way out of their predicament. "In actuality, we should retrace our steps and-" The redhead paused midway and narrowed her eyes, truly seeing the map for the first time on their entire expedition. Withholding her rage, her voice came out controlled and unwavering, but hushed. "Flora, what is _this?_"

Flora, having cared little to listen to their routine quarrels, had been staring into space before her friend regained her attention. Squinting her eyes for a moment, she replied "why, it's the map, silly!" Nami's eyes bored into the blonde's. "Yes, yes, a map. A map of _what?_"

Flora titled her head. "A treasure map, of course! That's why we came on this whole journey in the first place!" Despite the obviousness of the answer, Nami shook her head. "No, Flora, it's _not_. Do you know what this is?" No answer. "This is a piece of paper with the Candy Land game board drawn on it in _PENCIL!"_

Flora snatched the "map" from her friend's grasp and studied it hard, face scrunched together, before releasing a half-hearted laugh. "Oh, uh, I guess you're right! Guess that explains the note that came with it…" Her friend was fuming at this point and her voice held little trace of the control it once had. "Note? What _note_? Why haven't I seen this note, huh?"

The blonde rested her hands on her hips once more, defiance settling across her face. "The note from the citizens of Candy Land! It was addressed to whoever found their magical map, in hopes that someone could find the treasure and save them from the evil Lord Licorice!" It was then that she snapped.

Nami grabbed her friend by her shoulders and shook her none too gently, throwing her to and fro as she unleashed her wrath. "You dragged us down here to save some world that you've never even heard of? You blew everything you had on some stupid fairytale! Who the heck is Lord Licorice, anyways? More importantly, _who cares_?"

After her torment, Flora reeled back and forth for several seconds, trying to regain control following her punishment. Rock, meanwhile, had taken it upon himself to roll upon the floor, bellowing with laughter. "Wow, Nami! I never knew you had such a temper!"

Without turning around, the redhead curled her palms into fists and hissed at him. "Keep laughing and _you'll_ be next, lover boy." Rock shut up after that. Flora regained her composure long enough to mutter a response. "But, Namiiiii! I _had_ to help them! They were in trouble and-"

"Flora, they don't _exist_. What aren't you understanding here?" Flora turned her back, crossing her arms and letting out a simple, "harumph". "Well, I still wanna find the treasure! There's gotta be something around here somewhere, don't you think?" Nami facepalmed. "No, Flora, I don't think so." The blonde merely shrugged. "Well, suit yourself."

Suddenly, her face illuminated with that same dreaminess it held when she first held the map in her hands. "But there's something here, I just know it." Pointing down one tunnel, she began marching and beckoning the others to follow her. "Come on, guys! We don't need a map! We'll let my heart be the compass!"

Rock eagerly sprinted to catch up to her as Nami trudged on from behind. "A map and a compass aren't even the same thing! That won't help us at all!" From farther down the tunnel, where the redhead could no longer see her friend's sparkling face, came an echo. "I can't hear you!"

When Flora had finally reached what she believed to be their "Final Destination", they were met with quite the surprise. There stood a man with a tiny hand-shovel digging relentlessly at one spot on the ground. Despite appearing fatigued, there was little actual progress made on digging a sizable hole. No doubt due to the use of a children's shovel you'd see more at a beach rather than in a cave.

The man stood up, revealing none other than a cowboy cosplayer. "Oh God." Nami jeered, rolling her eyes. "Well, it's not a pirate…but it's pretty darn close." Flora's eyes, however, remained glued to the man. "He's…_beautiful._" Both of her companions spun and faced her at that, screeching, "WHAT?"

The man tipped his hat towards her. "Well, hello there, lil' lady." He flashed her a dazzling grin with teeth too white to be natural. He approached her with a confident stride, stopping dangerously close to her and staring directly into her eyes. "Lucky me to find such a pretty girl down in these dank mines. What are you doing here?"

Rock blinked in confusion. "Does he even notice us?" Nami, however, shoved Flora aside. _Pervert, probably trying to look down her shirt…darn that girl for wearing a sexy v-neck in a place like this. _"We, sir, are looking for a treasure which, clearly, you have already claimed. So, we'll be going now. Come on, Flora!" She attempted to drag her friend back the way they had come but she was rooted to the spot.

Giggling like a schoolgirl, Flora sputtered, "P-pretty? Me? Heehee, well hello, Prince Charming!" The man ignored the redhead, causing her to fume, and returned to his prey. "The name's Calvin." He announced, gently picking up her hand and placing a delicate kiss upon it. "Your name must be Belle because no one's as beautiful as you."

As Nami gagged, Flora continued giggling giddily. "You're close! It's Flora!" Rock cocked an eyebrow, whispering to Nami, "Wait, that wasn't close at all." Nami glared at him. "Rock, I repeat- you're an idiot." Calvin swept Flora off her feet and held her bridal-style. "Well, Flora, what do you say you ditch your flat-chested friends and let Prince Charming whisk you away to Candy Land, hm?"

Both of their jaws dropped. "Did he really just say that? Is he even allowed to say that? I'm pretty sure that could be consider ped-" "FLAT-CHESTED? Did he just call me flat-chested? If this rodeo freak thought I was a boy, I swear-" "I'll go with you!"

All responses came one after another, but all fell silent when Flora gave her response last. Nami grabbed her hand, pulling her back to reality. "Flora, we don't even _know _him! For all we know, he could be trying to rob you or hold you for ransom! Or worse…"

Flora's eyes grew wide. "What could be worse than that?" Nami's eyes shifted to Rock. "Remember when you found those _special_ magazines in Rock's room. _That _is much, much worse, I assure you." Flora shuddered, but Calvin pushed her worries aside. "Oh, your Prince Charming would never do anything like that to my darling Laura-" "-Flora." "Uh, yeah right, Flora." He grasped her hand and intertwined their fingers, pulling their faces closer. "Why don't we go see my unicorn, hm?"

And with that, Calvin sped off with Flora in tow. Nami and Rock both yelped in surprise. "You come back here, you perv!" Nami shouted as she prepared to hunt down her friend and her stalker. Rock, however, had a momentary epiphany. "Hey, wait a minute." Nami turned to face him, curiosity flooding her features. "That guy totally stole my thunder. I'm the only smooth-talking pretty boy around here!" Nami scoffed and rolled her eyes. "In your dreams, horndog."

"Looks like we're going to have to save Flora…again." Nami stated, lacing up her shoes. "How many creeps does she meet anyways? She's like a creep magnet." Both began sprinting down the tunnel corridor, in the hopes of saving their friend from Prince Charming's so-called unicorn.

"Well, it's certainly kept our Christmas interesting, don't you think, Nami?"

"…Rock, you're an idiot.

-...-

**Author's Note: **I don't know what got into me with those last few perverted jokes- again, I apologize. I blame the meds for this stupid cold. But, uh, Merry Christmas? :P certainly an interesting way to an end a story, I suppose. Not my best work, as I usually write angst, but this has gotta be the first non-serious story I've ever written. Hoopla! SO I hope you enjoyed (as much as you could) and I hope it wasn't too much of a fail. MERRY CHRISTMAS :)


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